after 3 months of relationship

this morning, from his perspective:

the first beams of sun came out. still unaware of what i was doing, i stole her pillow. she felt that movement, then hugged me.

i looked at the time and noticed that she should be already awake. i kissed her to wake her up. she squeezed her eyes and mouth for a sec. i gave her another little kiss, and again that face.

i went back to sleep.

i heard a noise coming from outside. she woke up with the noise, got angry, got up and slammed the window. and lay down again.

i tried to wake her up again: "miamor, it's late". she: "5 more minutes".

8 o'clock. at that time she should be at work. but she was barely waking up.

she went to the kitchen, leaving the bedroom door open. i, naked, only reacted covering myself with my cell phone using it as a fig leaf. fortunately, her roomie was not out of her room.

she got back and went to take a bath. a few minutes later, she came out naked, with a hairbrush in one hand and a lock of hair in the other. with a look of agony, she exclaimed: "i'm going bald!". then she went back to the bathroom, and then went out with her hair already combed.

while was dressing up, she took his cell phone and read a whatsapp: "shit, my boss says that he arrives in 5 minutes!! and he said that 6 mins ago!! she finished dressing up en chinga, quickly kissed me on the lips, and vanished like smoke.

i laughed my ass off when he told me his version of events.

stephen king: misery

misery is a great horror novel by stephen king. i totally recommend it (of course i do, that's why i'm writing a post about it in my blog dah)... BUT... my suggestion is to read this book if you're not going through difficult times in your life, cause it's so so stressful.

it's about a writer, paul sheldon, who is very famous for writing a hugely successful book series, and whose protagonist is called misery.

well he's fed up with misery, he knows that these are middling books, that helped him to have fame and money, something like paulo coelho or fifty shades of grey, i think. but he really wants to write something better. something where he can show his true talent. so in his last book, misery dies.

then he sets to work in his great book, his masterpiece. when it's done, he gets a big pedota to celebrate. takes his car and suffers a serious road accident. a woman named annie wilkes saves him.

it turns out that annie wilkes is insane and an obsessed fan of misery, and she keeps paul at her home, doing to him terrible, terrible things.

i suffered with misery. i really did. when you go to see a horror movie, you can cover your eyes and ears while the most horrifying scenes pass. but if you're reading, how can you cover your imagination? at the climax of the book i got a little dizzy because of the shock.

yes i suffered. but i loved it.

i love the horror. and king's a master of it.

breaking news: i have a boyfriend

yes people. you read that right.

after nearly four years of singleness, finally an innocent poor guy was caught into my net (insert devil laugh here muahahahaha).

but what happened? how? why?

it's weird. for a long time, i dreamed of having my prince charming, like thousands of women do. but after many disappointing attempts (read my anthology of dumbasses), i decided it was ok to be single. i don't know exactly when or where. just realized i did not need a boyfriend. i felt good alone, and decided to stay that way.

this was over a year ago. i began to apply this famous proverb of my land: "mejor sola que mal acompañada" (could be translated as "better alone than in bad company").

and i did like being single. really.

but humanity is hard to understand. when girls want a guy, guys don't want. when girls don't want, guys do. it's funny to witness this phenomenon of the human race. the thing is that, suddenly, i started having a lot of pegue. i told them i was not interested, told them i was free as the wind. "i'm an impossible woman, so sorry honey".

i was really fine being single, and i didn't want to lose the perks of my bachelorhood-girl-life in an easy way.

but... a very peculiar guy appeared on the scene. despite all the times i said no, he never gave up.

he earned my heart and trust little by little, and proved that he deserves them.

it's rare to getting used to not being alone, especially when that was not planned. but it's been a few weeks now and everything's ok. with this post i'm making it official.

all right, all right... i am saying it now. not all men are the same.

but girls, don't lose sight of the kind of guy you want for yourself. don't settle for other than what you really want. don't betray yourself. and mr. right will arrive.

permit him to conquer, pamper, love, convince you, slowly.

stick with the one who admires you, because of the woman you are. the one who looks for you and wants to be with you, without you even ask. the one who makes everything to be with you. the one who clearly is mad about you. the one who proudly says that is with you when somebody calls him. the one who looks at you and can't hide that he's melting. the one who doesn't lose the opportunity of bragging to his friends that he's busy cause he's with you. the one who respects you. the one who arrived when you didn't want or ask for him, but you did need him. the one who arrived when you need him more. that one. stick with that one.

inventory of noises

this is my working life. noise. noise all the time.

in noisy hell inc., we specialize in generating the most unbearable sounds. come visit us and get one headache, free!

below, a list the noises i heard today, in the order as they were shown. an exercise i wanted to do today as a therapy. i mean, i need to find the funny side of all the situations of my life before they drive me crazy.

noisy hell inc. = the company i work for = my daily nightmare

1) something like a jackhammer. i remember bugs bunny using one to annoy people. btw, i never liked bugs bunny.

2) that... that's like a... a microwave. the volume is raised to the 8th power.

3) sounds like a giant vacuum.

4) an alarm. on a cell phone. nobody seems to be bothered. why nobody turns it off?

5) somebody is whistling... something that appears to be a remix of the 9th symphony of beethoven with the barber seville overture. obviously, he knows only those few seconds of each play, and he mixes them in his whistle. resulting in a 15 seconds track, which as soon as it finishes, starts again. finishing and starting, until eternity.

6) hits. they are hitting something over and over again. slowly and heavily.

7) the people here scream the name of someone when needed.

8) a klaxon that sounds for a looooooong period of... 10, 20 seconds? forever?

9) a car running with a broken engine.

10) what the fuck is that? sounds like a rattle connected to an amplifier.

11) little sound of... keys? clin clin clin clin clin clin. not exactly keys, but how to explain?

12) ammm. dunno how to describe this. it's like an elephant with a cold, blowing his nose.

13) they're like scrubbing the floor.

(needless to say, there's no point in playing some music. is drowned out by each one of the noises described in this inventory).

14) something's like that fuckin machine that the dentists use. it's a similar noise, but in loud volume.

15) that's like a vacuum in reverse. i mean, like pouring air instead of absorbing. intermittent sound.

16) a klaxon again. this time, it sounds multiple one-second times.

17) a police car or an ambulance. the siren is heard first far, then near. it's getting closer, it's getting closer... it's getting farther, it's getting farther.

18) it seems they are the blades of a helicopter. or something.

19) wtfffff. someone's dropped a heavy metal object. god. save. me.

20) plus all the noise of the devil here, as if that was not enough, one of my co workers has a horrible sound when he receives a text. is the universe teasing me? why a person would choose a whatsapp alert like that? it's like.... it feels like someone making a hole in your brain with a screwdriver.

note.- after writing this, i asked him what a hell was that. it results to be the sound it makes when goku goes sayan. i found it on youtube: click at your own risk.

21) like a drill unable to bore a hole in a unbreakable plate.

22) some kind of a 90's hairdryer. a giant one.

23) hits. over and over. this time, it's like a hammer hitting a thick metal wall. each hit makes me feel that my eyes are going out of their sockets. some of the other noises that i have described are usually heard in noisy hell inc., almost every day, several times a day. but this horrible hitting sound was never heard before. and it was repeated several times today.

24) something like a lawnmower.

25) the alarm of a car with the door open. lasted about 10-15 minutes drilling my head.

26) i hate. i hate when that happens. someone pressing down the accelerator without the car moving forward. rrrruuuuuummmmm. please kill me.

only 5 minutes to go. noises fade away one by one. there are only a few sounds now. i think i can finally relax. and suddenly.....

27) of course. it's time to go home. why not celebrate turning on a car's stereo blaring? wooo join the party (insert sarcastic emoji here)... puros tamborazos, so my oma would say (it means something like "only ugly drumbeats"). the floor vibrates. my eardrums are going out of my ears. my head will explode. feel hits in my chest.

6 o'clock. don't you dare to believe that i'll stay a minute longer. i will run out of here before somebody has to get me out carrying me. with a straitjacket on.

at home i want a moment of silence. want for a moment not to hear anything but silence, and feel the peace of silence ....... hope to have the luck.

anthology of dumbasses

as we gain experience in life, it's becoming easy for women to identify dumbasses.

cause when they talk, it seems that they're following a script. a dialogue that they've learned very well and use it to start a conversation.

today, i was part of that performance. once again.

description of the conversation between a new coworker and me:

"oh, december. the company posada's is comin soon. you can bring your husband" (this last phrase, staring deeply).

translation: i wanna know if you're married and this is the most ridiculous way i could think for ask you.

my reaction: i stare at him, with my tired look on my face, without answering. any way it was not a real question, was it? so i just nod like saying uuuhhhh the company posada. let's rock it.

but things cannot stay that way. he. wanna. know. so, after allowing my silence for a few seconds, he asks...

"cause you're married, right?"

translation: you don't seem married. i know that. you know that. and just for that reason, i have a chance on you.

my reaction: with my tired look on my face, again, i answer no. don't remember if i just shook my head, or if also said no, low voice.

i know what's next. dumbasses are soooooo predictable.

"what??? you're not married??? but you do have a boyfriend!!"

translation: me vale madres if it's the first time i speak to you. and me vale madres if you feel awkward with this interrogatory. i insist on knowing if you have a commitment.

my reaction: again, tired, the answer is NO.

and before he continues, i change the conversation. immediately. i'm not willing to listen the question i know is next. the climax of the play:

why don't you have a boyfriend?

aaarrrgggg. has nobody told them how stupid that question is?

of course i would like to have a boyfriend. i imagine it is pretty nice. but if i don't have one, it is my fault?

i accept that now, my attitude towards this issue is very negative. as i just described above, from the start i usually build an impenetrable wall if my sixth sense sends an alert.

but before, i was not like this. before, i believed that human beings are good by nature. believed that human beings do not harm other humans. cause what can anybody get by hurting someone?

and then.... the human kindness betrayed my trust. i realized that men do not care if they break the heart or the pride of a woman, cause they think it's the only way to have the chance of fucking. and having a chance of fucking, even if it is a tiny little small chance, they think that justifies their action.

every single girl has their own stories. these are mine:

below a collection of my stories of the past 4 years. in which i tried going out with some guys. but most of them screwed it up before anything happens.

dumbass # 1

he knew i had a crush on him. and the only reason to called me, was for:

"could you lend me some money?"

in méxico we call that tener muy poca madre. motherfucker. next.

dumbass # 2

we met. we went out for coffee a couple of times. we used to talk. he told me that he didn't have a girlfriend. we were on this stage when we knew that we liked each other, but we were slowly. actually, we never kissed. we were just meeting, when one day.....

- my cellphone rang

- i answered "hi?"

- freaking crazy lady questioning me who a hell was i, what a hell did i want with her boyfriend, why a hell her boyfriend sent me a text message.

oh my god. darlin, ask your boyfriend for explanations, not to me.

well, the guy disappeared of my life, embarrassed, for 2 months. but then he dared to chase me again. really thought that i was going to forgive him? stupid. next.

dumbass # 3

according to him, he had seen me before but he didn't have the courage to talk to me. so this time he asked to go out, and then brought me back home. it's all right, isn't it?

weeeeell, nop.

moral of the fable: do not tell a dumbass where do you live.

he felt like he could arrive uninvited and unannounced, the day he wanted to, at the time he wanted to. even at 3am!! not knocking, but honking and screaming my name!!

and if i did'nt let him to come in, he became angry. c'mon, like he was doing me a favor. freak. next.

dumbass # 4

we met. he invited me to go to his house for dinner. he was just opening the door for me, when he said:

"i need you to know something. i'm married. my wife's on a trip. my children are sleeping upstairs. whatever happens tonight, will not happen again".

ooook. well thanks for being honest from the beginning. but excuse me, what do you think it will happen? cynical. next.

dumbass # 5

a friend who i met at work a few years ago. now he lives in another state. he texted me:

"may i go on vacations and stay at your house? we could have an affair and have a good time. then i come back home and marry my fiance"

yeah right. free hosting and uncommitted sex. any man dream vacation, any man dream bachelor party. lucky me!

very clever. but no thank u. dickhead. next.

dumbass # 6

this is very typical, isn't it, girls? he asked to go on a date with me. we barely knew each other.

small talk, one kiss or two, and that's enough for him. time to fuck...... well, i said no. c'mon, gimme a break!

he never called again. thank god. oversexed. next.

dumbass # 7

we met. we went out a couple of times. just for coffee or a beer. he kissed me once. ok.

my mistake is to assume that men are faithful. so, when a guy is flirting, sure he doesn't have a girlfriend. given this logic, i didn't see the need to ask before. until one day the issue arose. and he said:

"i do have a girlfriend, but she lives in another state. so she gave me her permission to have sex with another girl, while she comes to live here with me"

what the fuck was he suggesting? jerk. next.

dumbass # 8

he'd seen me before. we had crossed a few words cause we had friends in common. he liked me. the truth is that i didn't liked him back anyway.

well, he searched me on facebook and sent me a friend request. i accepted. so far so good.

at the beginning he sent me a lot of inbox messages, comments on posts and photos, and thousands of likes, from the oldest to the newest posts. that was a little bit creepy, but still so far so good.

but one night, at midnight, i was watching a movie on netflix and had my facebook opened in another tab. so i appeared connected. but i wasn't looking.

the next day i woke up and saw one message sent at 12, saying hi. another one sent at 1am, again. 1:30 wondering why i did'nt respond. 2am trying again, and then a message saying "it's ok, have a nice life"

i typed something like "don't you think it's inappropriate to disturb a princess in the small hours?". but i couldn't send the message. he blocked me on facebook! like i was the stalker! aaaaand then, two weeks later, he sent me a friend request again asking forgiveness. i ignored him and then he tried five more times before giving up. loser. next.

dumbass # 9

a big womanizer friend. he knows what i think about men like him. still, one day he dared to tell me:

"i would like to have sex with you just as friends. as a symbol of the love and the respect i have for you, as the friend of mine that you are. sex and nothing else".

you better get a blow up doll and go loving her and respecting her. idiot. next.

dumbass # 10

a friend of many years ago. he lives in another state. we were talking via messenger when, by surprise, out of nowhere, he confesses his love for me. and he asks me to go with him to live in madrid.

i tried to explain that i'm not ready to make such a decision.

i mean. he has never shown any interest in me. he has never visited me. on the other hand, he has never proven to be a steady man. i'm not so brave to changing my home to another country making a hasty decision.

before asking me to change my life for him, would be better to start from the basics, and then we'll see.

but he didn't like my answer. so he stopped talking to me. couple of weeks later, he ask me to forget everything he said and act like nothing happened. faddy. next.

dumbass # 11

a man in his 40s. i mean, he's supposed to be mature. but he had a 13 year old kid's mind.

we met, and he started to send me silly texts. like smilies, and hellos, and that kind of 13-year-old-kid-things.

at that time i was unemployed, worried, sad, hopeless, out of money. i was going through a very difficult moment in my life.

so one day he texts me:

- hi! how are you?

- not too well

- really? why?

- i'm overanxious. i could barely eat today

- oh honey. i don't know what to say. cheer up! :)

cheer up? ok. thanks for your help.

the next day, same "hi! how are you?".

i respond "same as yesterday"

"oh babe. i don't like to see you like that :( cheer up!"

the next day, the same foolishness. was he trying to seduce me with "cheer up"? i would like better him to invite me a quesadilla.

i decided to ignore all the silly messages. so, as he never sent me a clever one, i didn't text him back anymore. kid. next.

so... why i have no boyfriend? i don't know. you tell me.