anthology of dumbasses

as we gain experience in life, it's becoming easy for women to identify dumbasses.

cause when they talk, it seems that they're following a script. a dialogue that they've learned very well and use it to start a conversation.

today, i was part of that performance. once again.

description of the conversation between a new coworker and me:

"oh, december. the company posada's is comin soon. you can bring your husband" (this last phrase, staring deeply).

translation: i wanna know if you're married and this is the most ridiculous way i could think for ask you.

my reaction: i stare at him, with my tired look on my face, without answering. any way it was not a real question, was it? so i just nod like saying uuuhhhh the company posada. let's rock it.

but things cannot stay that way. he. wanna. know. so, after allowing my silence for a few seconds, he asks...

"cause you're married, right?"

translation: you don't seem married. i know that. you know that. and just for that reason, i have a chance on you.

my reaction: with my tired look on my face, again, i answer no. don't remember if i just shook my head, or if also said no, low voice.

i know what's next. dumbasses are soooooo predictable.

"what??? you're not married??? but you do have a boyfriend!!"

translation: me vale madres if it's the first time i speak to you. and me vale madres if you feel awkward with this interrogatory. i insist on knowing if you have a commitment.

my reaction: again, tired, the answer is NO.

and before he continues, i change the conversation. immediately. i'm not willing to listen the question i know is next. the climax of the play:

why don't you have a boyfriend?

aaarrrgggg. has nobody told them how stupid that question is?

of course i would like to have a boyfriend. i imagine it is pretty nice. but if i don't have one, it is my fault?

i accept that now, my attitude towards this issue is very negative. as i just described above, from the start i usually build an impenetrable wall if my sixth sense sends an alert.

but before, i was not like this. before, i believed that human beings are good by nature. believed that human beings do not harm other humans. cause what can anybody get by hurting someone?

and then.... the human kindness betrayed my trust. i realized that men do not care if they break the heart or the pride of a woman, cause they think it's the only way to have the chance of fucking. and having a chance of fucking, even if it is a tiny little small chance, they think that justifies their action.

every single girl has their own stories. these are mine:

below a collection of my stories of the past 4 years. in which i tried going out with some guys. but most of them screwed it up before anything happens.

dumbass # 1

he knew i had a crush on him. and the only reason to called me, was for:

"could you lend me some money?"

in méxico we call that tener muy poca madre. motherfucker. next.

dumbass # 2

we met. we went out for coffee a couple of times. we used to talk. he told me that he didn't have a girlfriend. we were on this stage when we knew that we liked each other, but we were slowly. actually, we never kissed. we were just meeting, when one day.....

- my cellphone rang

- i answered "hi?"

- freaking crazy lady questioning me who a hell was i, what a hell did i want with her boyfriend, why a hell her boyfriend sent me a text message.

oh my god. darlin, ask your boyfriend for explanations, not to me.

well, the guy disappeared of my life, embarrassed, for 2 months. but then he dared to chase me again. really thought that i was going to forgive him? stupid. next.

dumbass # 3

according to him, he had seen me before but he didn't have the courage to talk to me. so this time he asked to go out, and then brought me back home. it's all right, isn't it?

weeeeell, nop.

moral of the fable: do not tell a dumbass where do you live.

he felt like he could arrive uninvited and unannounced, the day he wanted to, at the time he wanted to. even at 3am!! not knocking, but honking and screaming my name!!

and if i did'nt let him to come in, he became angry. c'mon, like he was doing me a favor. freak. next.

dumbass # 4

we met. he invited me to go to his house for dinner. he was just opening the door for me, when he said:

"i need you to know something. i'm married. my wife's on a trip. my children are sleeping upstairs. whatever happens tonight, will not happen again".

ooook. well thanks for being honest from the beginning. but excuse me, what do you think it will happen? cynical. next.

dumbass # 5

a friend who i met at work a few years ago. now he lives in another state. he texted me:

"may i go on vacations and stay at your house? we could have an affair and have a good time. then i come back home and marry my fiance"

yeah right. free hosting and uncommitted sex. any man dream vacation, any man dream bachelor party. lucky me!

very clever. but no thank u. dickhead. next.

dumbass # 6

this is very typical, isn't it, girls? he asked to go on a date with me. we barely knew each other.

small talk, one kiss or two, and that's enough for him. time to fuck...... well, i said no. c'mon, gimme a break!

he never called again. thank god. oversexed. next.

dumbass # 7

we met. we went out a couple of times. just for coffee or a beer. he kissed me once. ok.

my mistake is to assume that men are faithful. so, when a guy is flirting, sure he doesn't have a girlfriend. given this logic, i didn't see the need to ask before. until one day the issue arose. and he said:

"i do have a girlfriend, but she lives in another state. so she gave me her permission to have sex with another girl, while she comes to live here with me"

what the fuck was he suggesting? jerk. next.

dumbass # 8

he'd seen me before. we had crossed a few words cause we had friends in common. he liked me. the truth is that i didn't liked him back anyway.

well, he searched me on facebook and sent me a friend request. i accepted. so far so good.

at the beginning he sent me a lot of inbox messages, comments on posts and photos, and thousands of likes, from the oldest to the newest posts. that was a little bit creepy, but still so far so good.

but one night, at midnight, i was watching a movie on netflix and had my facebook opened in another tab. so i appeared connected. but i wasn't looking.

the next day i woke up and saw one message sent at 12, saying hi. another one sent at 1am, again. 1:30 wondering why i did'nt respond. 2am trying again, and then a message saying "it's ok, have a nice life"

i typed something like "don't you think it's inappropriate to disturb a princess in the small hours?". but i couldn't send the message. he blocked me on facebook! like i was the stalker! aaaaand then, two weeks later, he sent me a friend request again asking forgiveness. i ignored him and then he tried five more times before giving up. loser. next.

dumbass # 9

a big womanizer friend. he knows what i think about men like him. still, one day he dared to tell me:

"i would like to have sex with you just as friends. as a symbol of the love and the respect i have for you, as the friend of mine that you are. sex and nothing else".

you better get a blow up doll and go loving her and respecting her. idiot. next.

dumbass # 10

a friend of many years ago. he lives in another state. we were talking via messenger when, by surprise, out of nowhere, he confesses his love for me. and he asks me to go with him to live in madrid.

i tried to explain that i'm not ready to make such a decision.

i mean. he has never shown any interest in me. he has never visited me. on the other hand, he has never proven to be a steady man. i'm not so brave to changing my home to another country making a hasty decision.

before asking me to change my life for him, would be better to start from the basics, and then we'll see.

but he didn't like my answer. so he stopped talking to me. couple of weeks later, he ask me to forget everything he said and act like nothing happened. faddy. next.

dumbass # 11

a man in his 40s. i mean, he's supposed to be mature. but he had a 13 year old kid's mind.

we met, and he started to send me silly texts. like smilies, and hellos, and that kind of 13-year-old-kid-things.

at that time i was unemployed, worried, sad, hopeless, out of money. i was going through a very difficult moment in my life.

so one day he texts me:

- hi! how are you?

- not too well

- really? why?

- i'm overanxious. i could barely eat today

- oh honey. i don't know what to say. cheer up! :)

cheer up? ok. thanks for your help.

the next day, same "hi! how are you?".

i respond "same as yesterday"

"oh babe. i don't like to see you like that :( cheer up!"

the next day, the same foolishness. was he trying to seduce me with "cheer up"? i would like better him to invite me a quesadilla.

i decided to ignore all the silly messages. so, as he never sent me a clever one, i didn't text him back anymore. kid. next.

so... why i have no boyfriend? i don't know. you tell me.